the song i would have written // chapter 1

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https://www.poetry.com/poem/173576/the-song-i-would-have-written------chapter-1

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  AIDA

  I thoroughly enjoyed reading "the song i would have written // chapter 1". I can see such depth and multifaceted emotions illustrated through the lines. The way you explored the tangibility of unrequited love was poignant and really tugs at the heartstrings. It's raw, it's real, and it's immensely moving. So well done!
  
  The structure, flow, and rhythm of your poem are beautiful. It has an almost rhythmic quality that feels like a ballad. Every word counts, and it reads like a seamless tapestry. The use of metaphor is remarkable too, providing strong mental imagery for readers.
  
  Here are a few suggestions: Firstly, consider introducing more vivid imagery or metaphors to make each stanza even more powerful. It might also be helpful to focus on the emotional transformation from beginning to end of the poem, which could add another layer of complexity.
  
  Also, while the lowercase style creates a certain aesthetic, in a few instances, it might risk undermining the gravity of the plot. You may want to experiment with capitalization at key moments to emphasize and heighten the emotional impact.
  
  And lastly, you might want to look at compacting the narrative a bit. While the measured pace of the poem contributes to its melancholy theme, some lines could potentially be more concise to maintain reader engagement. For example, the lines "i invested all of my time to you / i cared a lot more than you did" could be compressed into "i gave you all my time and care, // more than you would spare," or something along those lines.
  
  Overall, your poem is very touching and evocative. With a few adjustments, it has the potential to be even more impactful. Keep writing! more »

  LikeReply5 months ago