The evergreen #3

I wish you could just love me. Trust me. Hear me. Touch me. Understand me. Be patient with me. Be kind to me.

Oh no, mr evergreen, yes mr evergreen.

I wonder how that would make you feel, vexed would be my guess.

Oh but don’t worry mr evergreen, I’ll never be able to tell you these things.

For your eyes are closed to me and your defensive nature would never allow it.

I’m sure your bark would peel before you could admit you are in fact rooted.

Your expression not mine.

You lock your hatch back up and throw us to the earth.

We are left stunned and bruised, I grab her hand to secure our foundation beneath our feet.

Your leaves change, turning dark.

I clear my throat, and help she back up off the ground.

I’m filled with fury, why can’t you fucking, just fucking, let the fucking, shitty, fucking, shit go!

You tore what was sensitive and vulnerable to me into shred!

But my words will never reach your branches, your bark is much too thick. Why do you only open up when it’s for you?

My brain flips and twirls but no matter the words out of my mouth, the ones I careful prepare for you, they become concrete, like the bricks of my pride.

I often wish I could take back the locked parts of me you accessed.

And comforting you in this state is furtive, always patronizing every fucking word.

Me and she turn, hand in hand and begin to walk.

Commitment is not on your mind, is it fair it’s on ours?

I contemplation, and consider

My first notion is no, definitely not.

What are we to you then?

A temporary blip?

Here to amuse you?

Will you ghost if we bore you?

If I fall from this height will I survive? Would you care?

These thoughts scream in my head, but my burnt lips are sealed shut.

I know you love us mr evergreen, is it enough? For you and she and me.

You break me, over and over and over. But you are so wrapped up tight.

Inside that same cocoon of death anger and destruction.

I’ve given you all. I’m at the end of this rollercoaster.

I think it’s time to decide. Get off. Or continue on.

I sympathize mr evergreen.. but I’m afraid I’m not the one to save you.

I can’t. You can’t even save yourself. What else am I to do?

Continue to give you all while I sit with my lips still taped shut?

Is that fair? No. But life isn’t either. A hard lesson I’ve learned.

Evergreen.. is this goodbye for us? It’s your choice, but you won’t make it.