Pens And Swords

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https://www.poetry.com/poem/183704/pens-and-swords

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  Nebula7693

  Ok, I was not expecting that. The finish surprised me!
  
  First, in your work you write, "Hoping you We're here To stay." Probably just an oversight, but the word "we're" is a contraction shortening the two words "we are" into one. You meant to write, I am certain, "were" which is the correct word to use there. Simple typo probably. But, it does diminish the power of this poem.
  
  Also a minor thing, but does cause your poem to not flow very well is your line syllable count. Of course, it is your poem and you can write it as you wish. But, the first stanza has five lines with 3-5-3-2-2 syllable count for a total of 15 syllables. The second stanza has six lines with 5-3-3-1-6-3 syllable count for a total of 21 syllables. It may not seem like much, but the inconsistent syllable count and the extra syllables in the second stanza make the reader stumble and falter. This can detract from your message as the reader is paying more attention to trying to focus on the rhythm rather than the meaning of the words, even words as powerful as you have written here.
  These are just my thoughts. Take them for whatever value they have to you. I hope you have a wonderful day and create beautiful poetry. more »

  LikeReply1 month ago
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    okello.p

    Thank so so much for the wonderful idea you gave me from the comment. I will probably work on the syllables.
    
    Thank you for reading my poems

    LikeReply1 month ago