Circus

What happened to you?
Is the question,
That's been burning holes in my ear ever since freshman year.
I don't really know how to answer that.
Colors used to be so much brighter
I used to be able to feel my favorite music pulsing through my veins
My loud cackling laughter used to fill rooms with energy
My smile used to make a difference
My presence used to mean something.
I try not to think about what's happened in the past 3 years
All the backs that have turned on me
All the backs that I have turned on
But i am reminded
Every.
Single.
Day.
Of my deepest flaws
And worst mistakes
All it takes is a glance of an eye from someone who used to know me
And my soul aches so hard it feels unbearable.
But the thing is they didn't just know my name or my favorite color
They knew things I keep a secret to even myself
The sound of my cries and my family's past
The scars stained on my skin that I still cover no matter how faint
They knew I was damaged.
They still know.
So i can't pretend i'm happy to their faces
They know me too well
They know Ive never been happy
That I somehow get into more and more drama every week
Or maybe they don't.
Maybe i'm just a shadow in their peripheral vision
And they see right through me when I think I'm being seen
I honestly can't tell which one would be worse.
I wish I could just erase both of our memories
So we could be strangers again
So I wouldn't have to feel the soul crushing weight of tension when we pass each other
So I could sleep without your face starring in all of my nightmares.
So I could be friends with everyone once again instead of worrying they might know you
What if you told everyone everything i've ever talked about?
What if all the eyes I feel on me see through my act because of you?
What if everyone I love secretly hates me ?
I mean that's what happened with you
I thought we were best friends
I thought you saw me for who I was
I thought my kindness made a difference in your life
But I was wrong.
Why am I so easy to leave?
Is there nothing special about me?
Regardless of how hard I try
Or how good my intentions are
My biggest flaws still seem to define me.
I feel the hate
Coming from every side eye
Every whisper
Every giggle
Every pointing finger
Every individual glance that they thought I didn't see.
I feel like some celebrity
The way people go quiet when I talk,
But to them I'm a clown.
A joke walking around to entertain everyone
Each word I say is a punchline
Each breath I take is an act.
So I get used to how fast my heart beats every second I'm in this circus
I get used to the tremble of my hands as I try to use my tools
I get used to the red heat that flushes my cheeks, that matches my big cherry colored clown nose
I get used to my curls feeling like a messy, frizzy rainbow clown wig
I get used to my big goofy clown feet stomping loudly and unproportionally compared to my body.
For I am the main attraction of this shit show
And that's not changing any time soon.
I can change my grades
Or my friends
Or my style
But my audience will always recognize the clown in me.
I wish I got applause for it
Instead I get rumors spread about me faster than covid expanded,
I get all this guilt and confusion of not knowing when I went from a comedian to a clown.
One second I was getting beautiful flowers tossed on my stage
The next I was getting rotten tomatoes chucked at me while locked in a wooden pillory.
People believe in the lies told about me more than they believe my own words
There is genuinely nothing I can do.
Everyone's opinions are set
My reputation for highschool is permanently tarnished
My only options are to care or not care
And I choose not to.
I'm not a fucking clown
And I am nothing like what they see me as.
I'll have to wait until highscool is over to prove my good intentions
And I can meet more people than ones who hate me
20 years from now at our highschool reunion
Everyone will be jaw dropped at how a clown turned into a human.
I can't wait for the day I am considered again
For the day instead of hate I feel love
For the day my mirror maze tent becomes my room
And my jokes become mine to tell.