Nothingness

Lost in the spaces
Between what you said
But mostly didn’t say
Trying to create meaning

I searched for truth in your silence
For hope, as I treaded water
Left in your wake
Pretending to be strong while I was drowning
I wanted proof of you
To see if you could hold my heart
As confidently as you once held my body  

I don’t understand the way
You cut me down
With so few words
And built me back up
With silence  

You became my broken hearted mystery
A puzzle I couldn’t quite solve
I reached out, you pulled back
A dance of push and pull
But really, it was only nothingness
And I was always dancing alone

I struggled to find my footing
For years
Lost in a maze of uncertainty and love for you
The fear that you were gone
I see now
With clarity
You were always gone
I imagined you were near
Lying to myself
You were never here
And you never cared
I didn’t want to let go
I had to

I wondered if you ever felt the same
But you showed me with action
Inaction
Silence
Ignored messages
That came from my heart
That you had never held on
To any part of me

I’ve longed to see your face
In the light
To feel your body
In the dark
To know your secrets
But you remained a shadow
Elusive, enigmatic
I won’t ever make assumptions again
Good or bad
You taught me that

I grasped softly, persistently  
Sometimes expectantly
A fool feeling her way
Through emptiness and void
Believing in your ghost
Threads of our connection
Hoping to weave something meaningful
While I was always meaningless to you
Left with moments
Emptiness
Memories

And still, I didn’t lose hope
I held on waiting
To the fragments of us that remained
Hoping that you'd meet me
In the space between silence and feelings
With words
Believing we were more
Until I realized
You’d only ever existed in my dreams
And it was time to wake up