Trauma bonding

It's been years and I'm still waiting, waiting for the the day I could listen to “best thing” by Janine without shedding a year
Not having my thoughts as a canvas ,and my heart as an artist, painting a picture of you, a picture of us, something that'll never be true
Not having my heart as a jar, with hope as small as a mustard seed, leaving empty space for fear to occur
Fear of keeping you close, I would rather love you from a distance, it's better that way
I feel like you are more consistent when we're not together, you do more effort when I say I'm done, and you're more persistent when I say goodbye
Yet I make excuses on your behalf, “no ,he might just be traumatised, he's not emotionally unavailable, he just had a lot on his plate”
Well, in my head you're this perfect person, flawless, considerate
but,
That's just the part of you shown, once I've given up
And in this cycle of trauma bonding, I feel like I am not good enough
Not good enough for you to even show me love.