Contemplating the Worst

When my head is full and heart is pounding
I start the trigger pull, peace is founding
In the potential silence to come
After this I no longer have to run
From the things that eat at me
They could finally let be
Freeze
My finger can't squeeze
It's already started
Loaded, aimed, I'm ready to be departed
The weight of the trigger on my finger
But all things I consider, and here I linger
I see the faces of my siblings and closest friends,
I know this is not how they would want me to end
What do I do next, why do I take this test
Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm helpless
But I can never follow through
What's next for me to do