Hopeless

I want to be in that era
The era where your so in love it blinds you
It's like a blanket in winter keeping you warm during the worst nights.
To lay in his arms without a single thought in sight
Expect just being there, and it's not just being there it's being there with him.
When tears no longer stream down my face
My mind no longer treats me like a disgrace
My heart beat isn't irregular nor is it faulty
My skin doesn't tear onto the silver weapon made by man
My ears no longer bleed while they listen  to my screams
My voice no longer seeks to be heard
My body doesn't tremble and shake from fear
One may ask what all this means when I've described pain
When for so long I've viewed self destruction as love so truly love is pain
With so many paths leading to my doom I cannot choose a lane
What I would give to have the affection of doves
How do I bury the thoughts of self hatred when it has grown with me
How do I show him my love when I view love as something that can flee.