Was I Good Enough?

Was I Good Enough?

Flat pillows and tangled sheets
Waking up to that same old smell
Warm, sweated bodies cradling each other
feeling comforted, yet empty like nothing could make me feel normal
The awkwardness of a good bye lingers in my brain as I roll into a different position
Was I good enough?
I lay still hoping that the way I acted wasn’t too much wasn’t too little
Hoping that my performance last night was convincing
Hair flat, face feeling greasy he tells me I still look pretty
How many other girls has he said that too I think
I fake a smile and wonder if this was all worth the lies I told my mother
Afraid to admit my childhood innocence has vanished
As I find myself yet again laying with another
I feel his rough hands move slowly down
His fingers linger
I am angry at myself that I don’t feel excited
Is this normal?
But somehow I crave the attention of his skin
the feeling of his arms cradling my back
The look on his face and his satisfaction
It’s worth it I tell myself
I feel myself etch closer to him
Duvet slipping through my grip
Not wanting to leave his arms yet wanting to escape
It’s clear he doesn’t want me here any longer
I stare into a foggy bathroom mirror as I fix my knotted hair and broken face
I feel as if I don’t recognise who’s looking back at me
That sinking feeling hits as I gather my things and look into his eyes, for what I know will be one last time
“I’ll call you next week yeah?”
All I can do is nod and slip a smile through my cracked lips
For days after I think about it
Was that because I enjoyed it?
Or because I’m slightly regretful of passing my body to yet another man
His mark left in love bites around my thighs
Scratches on my back
And as I sit waiting for his calls
Yet again
I wonder
Was I good enough?