Thoughts running wild

Everyday people sin and think about the life they live. But I sin everyday because I want to take my life away. I no longer want to live I no longer want to breathe because all I do is sit and grieve. I grieve about school I grieve about home but mostly I grieve because I'm alone. Don't take this the wrong way but all I'm trying to say is that alone doesn't always mean just by yourself it can be apart of your mental health. I know there are people in my life who love me but being who I am I feel alone because I don't think they want me. First there is my family who I love and they love me but sometimes I feel distance you see. Then there is school don't get me wrong yes I have friends and they tag along but again being me I have trust issues so I don't see how you would or who is for and against you. And then there is this guy and he's really swell but sometimes he makes it like I'm in a living hell yeah he is charming and yeah he is funny but it hurts he goes for others when he knows that I want him. But he's the least of my issues bringing it back to my family I've haven't had the best life and yes it's uncanny because I put on a smile and a happy face but there are aspects of life that I cannot face like addicted parents or loved ones dieing it's things like this that keep me crying. Crying myself to sleep or just a frail weep can make my feel weak because of fatigue. And never the less my medical problems are a disaster depression and anxiety that's what's the matter. You ask me if I'm ok seeing that I'm not then when I break down in tears you act like your shocked. I sit inside the four walls of my room and then thinking should I take my life this soon I'm only 16 just a mear child I shouldn't have suicidal thoughts running wild. I know that I'm loved and I know that they care but sometimes it feels like they imagine me not there. I feel such a distance and I push people from my life trying to create a resistance. I know that I want to live and I know that I want to breathe but I just hate how I sit and grieve.