Who keeps me

Something or someone is keeping me from who I was.

I feel...lonely. empty. I can't breathe the same. There's an anvil on my chest.

Anger. Sadness. I don't think I remember how to be happy anymore.

I've lost myself somewhere these past few years and have no idea how to get back to who I was. I don't know how I got here. I don't like myself. I don't like who I've become. I know I'm still me. I'm still here. In there somewhere. But how can I get back to who I was. I can't fake being happy any longer. It makes me sick. Literally. Nauseous. Stomach pains everyday.

The overwhelming feeling of wanting to cry. I hate it. I hate it so much. I can't cry I don't want to because it hurts more. It hurts to cry. I get angry when I cry. I cry because of how much pain I feel inside me. Where did this pain come from.  Why does it hurt so much when I have no idea what the pain is from? It must have come from somewhere, somehow...someone?

 I continue to allow the pain, sadness and rage build up. I shut down until I explode. Push it all down and just smile....until I can't do it anymore. Then I cry. I cry because I'm sad. I get angry because I get more sad when I cry. I need help. But getting the help means I have to talk about it. About everything...again. And then being overwhelmed with grief, sadness, disappointment, anger, hatred. And it hurts more and more every time I go through the same repetitive painful maddening cycle of emotional guilt. Guilt that I have lost myself yet again. It is me I'm grieving. Am I really gone? It's me I feel sad for. It's me I'm disappointed in. I miss the old me that was proud of herself. It's me i feel sad for. It's me I'm angry with. How could I allow myself to get to this point? It's me I feel sad for. I'm sad for myself because this is how feel.

I fucking hate myself and don't know how to stop. I just want the pain to stop.


It's me. I'm that something or someone keeping me from who I was. .....but why