Conscious

Girl, don’t be ridiculous. Hurry and pick up your crown. We both know you can and I know you will anyways

What do I mean? You ask. Well…

It’s because no matter how insecure you think you are, you’ll always know your not. I mean even you know there’s no point in fussing bout your looks. Why waste valuable time, right? It’s not worth it especially since you don’t have to search too far down to see your true beauty shine right through and trust me; I know how all this sounds but I really do think that's wonderful. I swear I’m so happy for you but if I’m being completely honest, sometimes I just wish…I just wish I could be happy for me too…

Maybe I should start over. See here’s the thing:

Low self-esteem has been present within me for as long as I can remember. Much like older me, much smaller me didn’t know what it feels like to be confident despite the continuous compliments she’d receive just to realize now, it never meant anything to me

This may be an odd question but could someone please tell me…how does it feel to be the one everyone marvels at when you walk into a room? Wait! I might not want to know. I don’t think I can handle the fact I’ll never relate, how I’ll never be a star

It’s just that every single time I look into a mirror or see a picture, whether it’s old or new, I feel like I’m the only one who understands the torture of wanting to be someone I’m not or someone new and I’m extremely sorry to our creator, I promise I’m thankful too. You know I’d never wish this pain upon anyone else but the loneliness I gain is truly hard to bare and despite this constant ache, I wonder if I even care enough to fix what’s there. Or maybe even try, what continues to play in the back of my mind are…

All these what ifs, all the whys, all the times I’ve cried; this deep desire to be on the other side. Real love and affection or simple attention, I know it’s only supposed to be based on the inside but how could I possibly accept if no one’s fond of my outside?

For once, could someone look into my eyes and in effect be mesmerized? Or think of my smile and fail to keep a straight face? Let’s not even mention my body, it kills me each day

Yes, I’m aware it's mostly my fault. Don’t worry I won’t blame it all on genetics and certainly not on anyone else. Still, I’ll sulk in what could’ve been or what never was

Cute, fine, pretty, attractive, yes even hot and sexy. And don’t forget beautiful. I’m sure there’s more I’m forgetting but I think it makes sense that all girls want to hear those words. Spare your pity though I’ll admit the hole in my heart for being none of it often feels excruciating. The funny thing is I’ve been called a couple of them before, enough to remember yet I still feel so poor. How ironic that all I hear is ugly, fat, and gross. Although I may be my worst enemy, gorgeous has never been on anyone’s tongue during those rare times I thought I was closer

Hm…

I think I’d look better if I fixed my hair. Much curlier-Ooooh long, dark, and shiny-Luscious as I look behind me

Yes sleek, thick, and angled brows

Lashes that show

My eye color would be more cool green rather than just hazel

Slim thick is usually the way to go but super skinny could feel like home

Taller, of course, and a bit of darker skin, please

Ah so smooth, definitely not hairy

Sharp jawline cept’ with a feminine face actually looking my age and definitely no double chin

No lines

No marks

No spots I can’t get rid of

Nothing of that sort. I’ll decide what I can live with or easily look over since it…

Probably sounds like I’m aiming for perfection but think about it, it’s reachable even now! I see people who have it, younger and older, wow. I want it naturally while I can quickly name all my flaws and let me just say, it hurts so badly to think I’d wish to change everything