Silence

I sit behind the 4 walls of Silence. For years, you knew what your self-worth was. Then suddenly you begin to question what you value, your self-worth and anything else you were taught to believe in.
I sit behind the 4 walls of Silence. It's been over a year, and you begin to wonder how much longer you can withstand the feeling of being totally alone. The silence is deafening to my ears, and you begin to believe this is what life is, after you reach a certain age. I begin to challenge my thoughts, my views, my past, and my future.
I sit behind the 4 walls of Silence. It's not by choice. I see a rainbow yet can't touch it. While I see others touch, smell, and feel the benefits of the colorful rainbow. What is happening? What am I doing wrong?
I sit behind the 4 walls of Silence. I notice the intricacies of those that speak. How they enunciate every word, how they verbalize their thoughts. I see the formation of their thoughts via body language, and it penetrates my pores. I notice the minute things that matter, even while the world is in chaos.
I sit behind the 4 walls of Silence. It's not because I don't focus on what I enjoy and need to do. It's that I'm not sure what I should be doing. I value and admire those, beyond a shadow of a doubt, recognizing their love, passion and their full potential. Yet, all that admiration adds nothing to my being.
I sit behind the 4 walls of Silence. I see the color. Furthermore, I know its potential. I value the goodness that it all brings. I can bring out the light of each person I encounter. Yet, I stand in a puddle of shadows and darkness. I can't see myself. I don't know myself. While I make all those shine and lead them to their passion and still waters. I stand in a place where I don't know if I should turn, move, or be still.
I sit behind the 4 walls of Silence. I see you for what you are, and yet I made excuses and gave you the benefit of doubt. Yet, not once did you reciprocate to me the goodness, compassion or kindness I bestowed upon you. You see me and how I struggle to advance, and you continue to tap into my insecurities and bully my essence. Even though I saw through it all, I continued to move forward and pray that it was all temporary, and you would wake up from your grueling ways. I paid and continuing to pay the price for my stupidity and foolishness in believing in someone else, other than myself.
I sit behind the 4 walls of Silence. This Silence is deafening! And my ears can only withstand so much. I'm in search for that time in my life where Silence was blissful and not harmful. As I dig deep within myself to move ahead and forward, I know that I'm not alone. Yet, I feel alone. I look around and I am alone. In my silence, I continue to fight and to motivate my inner Spirit. I continue to push to believe in myself even when those around me don't see me.
I'm not invisible.
I'm not defenseless.
I'm not your puppet.
I need to be free.
I will stay away from the 4 walls of Silence.