Her pain

Her pain

She was a determined girl
Aiming for success
Working for her future
Dreaming about freedom
Seeking independence

She wanted to see the world
Exploring nature
Going on adventures
Having stories to tell
Getting to know herself
Her true self

She didn't feel complete
There was something missing
Some void that she had to find
A mission to go on
Justifying her goals

She wanted to feel the adrenaline
Pumping through her veins
When falling from the sky
While diving in the sea
Dreaming on the beach
Conntecting with strangers
Falling in love with herself

Little did she know that this would be her hardest challenge
The idea of living her best life
The addiction of following her dreams
The fear of the unknown
Though desiring comfort
Being held in the dark
While testing her limits

But life caught her
She had to make commitments
Getting out of her comfort zone
She was addicted to the challenge
Aiming a better future
Though she was afraid of the present
She was a prisoner of her own thoughts
Caught up in her imagination

Her biggest dream became her worst nightmare
She felt lonely
She felt lost
She made bad decisions
She made mistakes
She was craving attention
Though she wanted to be unseen
She questioned her existence
She questioned her goals
Her dreams
Her past achievements

She didn't see her worth anymore
She wanted to be hurt
Wanted to feel the pain
The pain she was trying to hide from
She was being taken advantage of
She was assaulted she was harmed
She thought that's what she deserves
It made her feel numb
And that's what she was craving
She couldn't take it anymore
It seemed to be her only way out
Out of her recurring thoughts

She was young and naiv
She didn't know what she got herself into
She didn't know that it was just the beginning
And that she only made it worse

She tried to stop
But it was like an addiction
Addicted to pain
Addicted to degradation
She wasn't feeling like herself anymore
Everyone noticed
But nobody seemed to care

She tried to get her life together again
Was working overtime
Studying to fill her thoughts
She tried to forget
Forget what's been done to her
She thought it would work
Being distracted
Not facing the truth
But of course it would haunt her

She had nightmares
She felt scared
She couldn't make connections anymore
She didn't trust anyone
Especially not men

Then she met a guy
A guy that she thought she‘d like
In fact she knew he was toxic
She knew from the beginning
But she thought she could change him
And she thought he would change for her
He made promises
He pretended to care
But she was lied to
Again she was taken advantage of
Being abused
Emotionally abused
And there was no way to get out
Except facing reality

When the world seemed to stop
And there was nothing to pursue anymore
He cut her out of his life
It felt like the end of the world
Even though she knew she couldnt trust him
She felt betrayed
She felt stupid
She felt so small

Everything she tried to escape from hit her at once
All of her insecurites
All of her traumas
All of her pain
She felt so much pain
She couldn't breathe
She couldn't sleep
She couldn't work
She couldn't live
So she harmed herself

Dissappointment was her new companion
All that she tried to hide from was suddenly real
She didn't know how to handle it
She was thinking about making herself numb

But this time it was different
She didn't want to be abused
She didn't want to feel pain
She didn't want to harm herself again

She realised what she did to herself
Everything that others did to her
She finally realised
And she wanted to change
Nevertheless changing is hard
She went back and forth
And finally she spoke to herself
She admitted the pain she was feeling for so long
Admitted the abuse she was confronted with
And she wanted to tell the world

No more hiding
No more pretending
No more lying
Her wounds could be healed
But she had to accept the scars
Scars that show what she's been through
Scars that tell her story
Scars that remind her of her mistakes
That would prevent her from repeating
She knew she had to accept them
She knew she had to move on
And finally she found comfort
Comfort in accepting
Comfort in healing
Comfort in acknowledging her truth
And that's how she found her way back
Back to herself