Ambivalence

You have the warmest brown eyes
I want to stare into them all day and pick flowers from the gardens of your brain where I used to stay but at the same time,
whenever your eyes meet mine I get nauseas. Like I’m seasick, they actually make me want to vomit
This ambivalence,
where my love and hate for you chaotically coexist in this small space between us I want kiss,
every inch of your skin under moonlit beams on your bedroom floor.
I want to walk past you on the sidewalk while I’m holding hands with some beautiful girl so that I can watch your stomach churn with hopes that you get so sad you cry about it
I want to brush my fingers across your cheeks and wipe all of the tears away that you’ve ever let escape and tell you how proud I am of you and every reason why I,
love you

I never want to speak to you again but I look forward to the prospect of conversation. At night, my brain plays my favorite scenarios of them. Like,
this one where we laugh at inside jokes all afternoon and then step outside accidentally wearing mismatched shoes on our way to gas station to buy chocolate ice cream and frozen pizzas Or,
this one where you ask why it’s been so long since we’ve spoken and why I refuse to acknowledge your existence and I tell you to your face that it is because you make me fucking sick and that I wish we never met and that I,
love you

That you hold the beauty in your soul of every planet and every moon
and that when we kiss
we hold the magic of the entire universe between our lips and that,
as we shot back down to earth my stardust tongue transpired into fear
Asking myself how the f*ck we even got here I,
hate you so goddamn much but I,

I still wish you were here