Why I flinch

You ask me why it is, that I flinch
With every sudden movement
That I don't see coming
Like I expect to be hit ?
It's a leftover reaction.
Like a residual tic.
A predetermined mechanism
Physically attempting to defend
My physical self.
For at the hands of another
My body has been beaten, been broken, and battered.
My heart has been shattered,
My spirit through and through
has had it
Now I have to,
Sit here and explain to you
Why I sit with my back to the wall
Of every room,
And why I'm afraid of my own shadow.
And how if the volume is loud enough, even at laughter I cower.
Because my mind doesnt decipher between sad, happy, or mad laughter.
The severity of ptsd
That envelopes me
Is like a unseen deformity
Of my brain
When I'm triggered my mind gets stuck In the moment of my trauma
And I'm reliving them again
So when I hide my face
And tuck in my chin
Shudder when your fingertips
Brush against my skin?
It comes from someplace deep within.
Someplace between the past And
how long until it happens again?
I know you say,
How could I think this of you?
But he said he would never too!
And each and every time
His fist Or open hand
Makes contact with my bare skin
I felt all at once
The shock and disbelief,
Immediate denial,
That this broken girl was me.
It seems I had to learn this lesson repeatedly.
So, you ask me why I'm a jumpy ball of Nervous energy,
And why I'm always flinching ?
Because my ptsd, has crippled me.
This is what is left of me.
Existing in the fear that is my reality.
There is no more room
for Empty I love yous.
Only final goodbyes
Permanent and absolute.
As is the pain,
I try so hard in vain
To disguise,
but the truth is I cannot hide,
nor wish to deny
The truth, that is such a sad truth,
But a truth nonetheless that is mine.
And I don't have in me
even one single inch
of doubtful benefit.
So the reality is,
this is the answer to your question
the reason why I flinch.