A human with humanity

Someone to hold me,
and take into their arms.
A human capable of humanity
and feeling the same emotions
that drown a soul to the
deep depths of the ocean,
only buried by the intricacies
of all different colours,
patterns, sounds I hold that are
capable of fooling a person,
blinding them to what lies beneath.

I want for them to swallow me whole
and let their body consume my body
just to feel that endless hole
be filled by their blood and acids.
But it scorches through it
only to enlarge the damage
once prevented by a previous
‘Human With Humanity’ who
turned out just like the rest.

The grinding of bones
against a wooden skull
or the ripping of skin
as you might-as-well-have glided a blade
along the x marks the spot.
But none of it mattered when you
pieced me and stitched me
back together as a
partial being, dependent on
your kindness, your support, your affection,
your love.

Was it real? Any of it?
Or was the satisfaction of another human
seeking (craving) a creature to take apart
their mind and body
and understand its contents,
its origins and how it came to
survive the way it did,
only a temporary lust that
would’ve ended the moment
the paint started to dry?

There was no humanity there.
No trust, connection, or intimacy.
It had withered away like
the roses you didn’t give me
but kept in a shop called the bin
when my soul was revealed to you
unintentionally but truthfully.
I was a jester playing dress up with the king
and wearing a crown of your ego.

So now let me have this
moment to fantasise
about my next devotedly adoring deceiver.
Who will break me. Who will kill me.
And if I join in it will be permanent too.

But the love?

Tender hands that graze against
the scars on my skin.
A scent so sweet it’s sickening,
radiating from
the jacket you clung over my
shivering shoulders last night.
Eyes scavenging all the parts of me I
want you to know
and never the parts that were never
really me.
Take my soul and take me whole,
because that’s the only way
for my words of love and appreciation
stuck in the lump of my throat
to get inside your stupid head.
If only you were an existing human
with my same definition of humanity.
Someone I can feel with.

But we live in a reality
where humans have no humanity.
That’s just how things are to be
whether it sinks my heart, crushes my soul,
kills me bloody.
No hero in shining armour
because I repulse it with my revolting demeanour.
But one day, when it’s all over, I’ll see
how it feels to be finally free.

All I need is a bit of courage.