Inside

In my head there’s chaos and noise
But no one would know because I look poised
Every decision is second guessed
That voice in my head doesn’t let me rest
A permanent resident since I don’t know when
I wish it would leave, and be free again
On second thought it brings me comfort
Knowing that I can consult with it first
Every thought inside my mind
Is thought over a thousand times
What do I wear, eat, or say?
A process i go through every day
That little voice whispers to me
“Don’t worry child you can trust me
I won’t let you down, I’ll be by your side
I will protect you so the real you can hide”
“The world isn’t safe”, it whispers to me
“It’s filled with lies and deceit, can’t you see”?
“You can’t go around giving your trust,
Every time you have it’s been a bust”.
This little voice guides me through life
Keeping me safe especially at night
In my dreams I’m always balled up
Waiting for someone to lift me up
Here comes my hero to rescue me
From the emotional pain so I am freed
The dreams are always the same undertone
An unconscious desire to feel at home
To me a home is not a place
But a feeling of safety and being embraced
That void of wanting to be cared for and loved
Never gets filled and leaves me numb
Numb is a feeling I’ve known most of my life
It feels better than reality most of the time
Starving and bingeing is how I cope
Little by little I’m losing hope
Hope that maybe one day it’ll change
This life full of misery and everlasting pain
I don’t think anyone can see
How painful it is, with these memories
Memories of feeling so alone
Never feeling like I had a home
I wish so badly that they could see
All the damage they did to me
I never ever feel sorry for myself
But it’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt
To realize after all these years
You’ve been alone and lived your worst fears
You’re always terrified of being abandoned
But look back you stupid girl, you never had parents
You convinced yourself that everything was normal
The neglect and the drinking left you mournful
You learned early to grieve the loss
Of people still living, you carried your cross
That burden, that weight, was incredibly heavy
For your toddler arms and mind to carry
I wish I knew how to take away your pain
So you could grow your wings and fly away
To build your life and be free of it all
So you’re no longer stuck behind these walls