a mother’s love

i’ve been searching for a home
one that i’ve never known
burying scars, falling apart in the dark
looking for the beat of my heart
an intake of breath that doesn’t hurt
holding onto lessons i never wanted to learn

i’ve been searching for myself
someone that i’ve never known
reaching for a reason to not fear love
and a reason to believe in trust
you did the best you could
what a shame it built me an early grave
and tainted memories i should’ve wanted to save
you taught me everything i shouldn’t be
still, i fear becoming it anyway
craving a warmth that’ll never leave
while i perpetually fade away

broken glass and picture frames
reminding me that i’ll never be the same
paralyzing me as i wonder if i’ll ever be okay
some nights, i can still taste the memories
the hollow bitterness of grief and fear
a love had and lost that left us here
an empty shell of what i thought i knew
a mosaic of all the ways i’ve lost you
they say a mother’s love will build you up
and teach you how to live a beautiful life
so what does it mean when it buries you alive
and only teaches you how to hide

i think about the day that you’ll die
and wonder if i’ll cry when i say goodbye
because i feel like i’ve said it a million times
in between empty eyes and venom
that once spat can’t be taken back
in between who you are and who you were
maybe someone you never were at all
a wavering certainty of truth
in between flashing lights and courtrooms
and the sensation that the world is ending soon
i think about the day that you’ll die
but i’ve mourned you a million times