When I see you

I see you but I connect you with fear
Only because I don’t know any other emotion
I must admit that I feel like a child the way I feel
I’m scared, I avoid, and I’m petty to the action
I wonder what would it be if I was grown
If my emotions more evolved
When I see you my heart drops into a void
My skin becomes hot
My breathing happening in my heart, rather than lungs
My eyes end up in my brain as I go over all the memories we’ve had
I don’t allow myself any further
It was my fault and I don’t deserve reminiscence
I hated your presence for so long yet when I feel alone your name I long for
Though I said I needed others it was you who I needed yet became indifferent towards for no reason in the same frame of life, till months pass and I begin to wallow.
I then in turn think of you for the rest of the day not allowing myself to close you out.
Am I scared to make you leave forever?
Do I have to do something else to get you to leave?
You live in my nights where we still talk but my days spent knowing
I can’t, don’t, shan’t have you
I see you but I connect you with fear