alone or alone?

overwhelming feeling of sadness. loneliness. i think about my younger self feeling so lonely and could cry about it bc i know exactly how she was feeling. just wanna cry and isolate myself but also what to talk about it but once i do i feel so judged and misunderstood it makes it worse. i almost feel remorseful for telling someone that because they have to listen to my feelings and try to come up with an answer that they think will make me feel better. very sad soul. i don’t know if i want to disappear or tell every person im feeling this way. such a loneliness that i find comfort in it now cause it’s a feeling that been around for so long. i just want hug my younger self and tell her that she’s so beautiful, and she’s not as bad as she thinks everyone has pictured out to be. so much emotion and yet feeling nothing at the same time. i just want a hug, but i don’t want anyone to touch me at the same time. so much pain behind green eyes and a pretty white smile. and yet people still find a way to turn me out to be the bad guy. if only they knew how it felt. their stupid comments that are “just jokes” to them really put a knife in my soul sometimes, if only they knew how it felt. this emptiness yet so much pride and confidence. it’s like i trust my word and my judgement and my brain but the heart, the heart is hurting. i can’t put it in words. sometimes i think about how peaceful it would be if i didn’t wake up. sleeping is nice until it haunts you in your dreams. your brain, your thoughts, your heart. such an empty void only filled with sadness and is always showing a performance of happiness. do i want to never talk to another soul again, or an i only going to feel lonelier. always felt that regardless. never anyone’s first pick. kinda seemed like the last. the pain has such deep roots it feels like it’s apart of me. a tree of sadness, very quiet sadness that is always humming in my ear. although it may not be loud at times, it keeps playing the same melody over and over and over again. it would be peaceful to never wake up again. i would be happy to never speak to another soul again, they just don’t get it. the deepness of it all. the sadness.