Why I flinch

You ask me , why it is , that I flinch
With every sudden movement, That I don't see coming
Like I expect to be hit
It's a leftover reaction
Like , a residual tic
A predetermined mechanism,
Physically attempting to defend my physical self
For at the hands of another
My body has been beaten, been broken, and battered
My heart has been shattered
My spirit through and through has had it
Now , I have to , sit here , and Explain to you,
Why I sit with my back to the wall of every room
And how I'm afraid of my own shadow
And if the volume is loud enough
Even at laughter I cower
Cuz' my mind don't decipher
Between Sad, happy, or mad laughter
The ptsd that envelopes me
Is like an unseen deformity
Of my brain
When I'm triggered
I'm stuck in the moment of my trauma
And I'm reliving them again
So when I hide my face
And tuck in my chin
Shudder as your fingertips brush against my skin
Know , it come from a place so deep within
Someplace between the past and
How long until it happens again
I know you say , how could I think this of you?
But - he said he would never too  and
Each and every time his fist or open hand
Made contact with my bare skin
I felt all at once the sudden shock and disbelief
Immediate denial  that this broken girl was me.
I guess I had to learn this lesson repeatedly
So when you ask me why I'm a jumpy ball of nervous energy and why I'm always flinching
Because the ptsd ,it cripples me
And this is what is left of me
Existing in the fear that is my reality
And there is no more room
For Empty I love yous
Only final goodbyes
Permanent and absolute
As is the pain
I try so hard in vain to disguise
But the truth is I cannot hide nor
Wish to deny
The truth which is such a sad truth
But a truth nonetheless that is mine
And I don't have it in me,
  Even one single inch
Of doubtful benefit
So the reality is
This is the answer to your question
The reason why I flinch.