Why is all fair in love and war?

I pray you are forever spared in this life and the next ...the moment of clarity, realization and humiliation, when it hits like a 2 ton dump truck how the complete inability to even speak covers you like a blank screen no thought no words just the utter dread filling your soul as your eyes fill with tears, when all noise is void and even your mind is completely silent all that will be left is a faint high pitch tone. Even after your eyes are ripped open, and you still don't even remember how to breathe still the first thought will be, I need them I have to get to them no matter the cost, this can't be. They will fix this, explain it all away. The person that you finally give yourself too even tho everything in your life was against it all u need is that person when you finally reach them you know in your soul that when they hear what caused such deep despair they will do anything to help make it okay again.... so you pour all the broken pieces of yourself in front of them knowing that they are going to put them back together and hold you till your world stops crashing... so you look up in their eyes expecting the words to heal like water instead the eyes freeze you and your gut shatters at the first glimpse into the eyes of your love and there is nothing but emptiness and then the words they give you end up cutting like rusty razors and the feeling of love and acceptance is not what you get instead they engrave your heart with the feeling of complete disregard which whips like a chain to the backs of your knees. Now who's left to turn to for guidance comfort reassurance that it not you, just you, but you're no longer able to see or think past the pain, so you go on and on and on reliving every second of it trying to figure out how to get that love you use to get back. All that does is turns you against yourself, and now you're skinning yourself with a dull spoon just to entertain that lost love because it's all the two of you have in common anymore. That's not even the worst, what is really the end all is how their every giggle behind your back will feel like the burning shrapnel of a shotgun straight to the back. I pray you never know this as intimately as I do.