Dear Mum; A Sons Fears

Dear Mum, let me just say that i love you so much
And even though in life we are no longer in touch
I see you in all things that impact my world
No more so than as my sons life unfurled

I wish you could know him, to see how he smiles
With his dreams and a future that goes on for miles
He looks just like you when he turns to the west
With that look of contentment, of peace and of rest.

Each day as he grows older I think back to my youth
And how much that I learnt were lessons of truth
To be good to each other, to trust and be strong
So we teach Tyler those lessons, of right and of wrong

He loves to hear music and will dance with a grin
Like there’s a secret he knows that we all aren’t in.
I should mention he knows you, more than a photo to most
He claims that he’s seen you, out the window. A ghost.

It would not surprise me if what he sees is true
As mum you were amazing, as a Gran you’d be too
We teach him to trust, to embrace all that he knows
From the trees, to the ghosts, to his face and his toes.

Here’s where I feel I must diverge hard to the left
To a place where as a dad I feel balanced on a cleft
I peer into his eyes, and see a future for him
Not knowing if it’s a future that I'm actually in.

I wonder as I lay awake at night, child by my side
Did you go through this too, and those frustrations you abide?
Did I fight, scream and yell when you showed me the loo
In some ways I hope so because Tyler does too.

Memories of my youth seem far and distant these days
There are some still I cling to like chapters in my play
Like the time I took Dans Cowboy hat and ran around the yard
The swimming pool half built, me running so hard.

I gave the hat back, it was the right thing to do
It helped that you told me to, i usually, reluctantly, listened to you
You taught me how to garden, how to bake and to cook
These lessons I now pass onto Tyler in person and in book.

I’m old, it’s the truth and I sure as hell aren't getting younger
But my desire to raise Tyler right is a deep well of hunger
I’m scared as hell, terrified, in fact petrified to death
That he’ll grow into his 30’s and have no parents left.

It’s a fear so ingrained in me it wakes me at night
So much that I look into his eyes and my heart swells in fright
When Tylers in his teens, and life is so full of strife
I’ll be at the age when cancer took you abruptly from my life.

It needs no mention that you’re missed, that much is true
The lessons you taught I now pass on through
But no day goes on by when I don’t stop and wonder why
If i have what it takes to bring what you did... to my little guy

I miss you mum :(