Anticipation

How many waves have I missed out on riding while I’ve been sitting here waiting for the current to be strong enough to pull me in? Avoiding the risks of drowning comes with the inheritance of a dangerously addicting spiral of regretful what-ifs. The unspoken boundaries that seem part of what keeps this bureaucracy intact become the mountains I must conquer to explore these embers between us. Energy so powerful that it commands my attention like fireworks against a night sky and lingers after you’re gone like smoke trails from a rocket taking off. The conversations between our eyes are screaming at me to make a move, but I can’t help but submit to the pressure of the uncertainty, paralyzed, impatiently waiting for something just a bit more from you. I’m a sprinter in the blocks waiting for you to shoot so I know when to go. I have had too many false starts that end with me foolishly running in lonely circles without a purpose. I’m sitting here waiting for an invitation to avoid rejection, and in doing so, I’ve been denying myself happiness. The energy between us is way too compelling to be ignored, but so are the constraints tied to our current positions. They are enough to build a shaky foundation of fear that prevents me from maintaining my bearing long enough to muster up the confidence to approach you while possessed with these feelings. Sedentary in uncertainty because it’s more comfortable than sulking in rejection, wondering how such a flood of positive energy and attraction could be so one-sided. I can’t figure out if I’m more afraid of rejection or the constant reminder that would present itself daily as you continue to pass me by in the hallways holding my heart in your back pocket. Living out life in my head instead of the world because it’s easier to control the outcome, knowing that I won’t truly realize this happiness without first taking the risk for it all. I’m basking in the warmth of these feelings hoping that I never get burned and have to begin seeking shelter from these unrelenting rays.