Depression Mixed With Mania

You would assume that since I'm manic it just means I'm more hyper than usual.
That I will just calm down soon.
Being manic isn't at all fun.
Trouble falling asleep let alone even wanting to sleep. My brain tells me I don't need it.
I guess you could say it's like drinking coffee twenty-four seven.
I have all these thoughts and ideas buzzing in my brain. With that, I can't concentrate.
The energy I have is unreal.
I can't seem to run out of it!
It can last for hours, days, or even weeks!
The world doesn't seem real.
My words fly out at a high-speed trying to catch up to my thoughts.
The crazy impulses, that is what gets me.
"Jump out of the window! You can land it!"
"Let's go for a run around the block!"
"Late night walk?"
"What if you stole that car?"
The high sex drive.
It's all fun and games until it becomes a low and depression comes to save the day.

I stare into the nothingness that is my life.
The voice in my head worse than before.
"No one would miss you!"
"Do it!"
"They are better off without you!"
"You annoy them. Just be quiet!"
My body so tense. My eyes so heavy.  
Getting out of bed is too much to handle.
Eating, drinking, brushing my hair, showering, and talking to anyone is out of the equation.
Every breath seems borrowed, like it isn't mine.
I don't want to see what tomorrow holds.
I simply just want to give up.
I've called the famous hotline number only to get rushed off the phone by the person on the other line.
If it weren't for my mother being at the door when I opened it after that phone call, I wouldn't be here today.
I don't know what's worse.
To be manic or depressed?
Trying to handle both is enough to drive me insane.
Please forgive me for one day being at my highest high then the next being at my lowest lows.
I do my best to contain it.
Maybe now you can understand why it is I do the things I do.
Or say the things I say.
I'm sorry.