Thoughts of a crooked mind

I don't know what drives me to feed the flames to my lust for understanding. It could be that I find understanding and knowledge as my psychological protectors. The thesis could be possible… I often dawdle in questioning my chase for understanding. Constantly wonder if my lust is simply a flame of fear I’m constantly feeding as I jump from study to study. What if I’m doing this not because I love it, what if it’s a fear that's driving the freight train of my mind, driving me away from natural life. And it is to soon throw me in the deepest pit of sorrow and depression. I guess some things are an enigma, the inner workings of my mind lay and rest as a mystery, and stay to never be solved.  I wonder if there are others like me, struggling for the gain of knowledge. People that are trapped in a cycle of understanding and yet still don't understand how they themself work. If there are some like me they have delved so far down into the cycle we can't escape. A constant game that leaves the players stupid yet filled with knowledge. A purgatory where our minds are to stay but our lives leave us, due to what? Is it us, is it somebody else. Who shovels the coal into that train of understanding and why won't they stop. What thing shows no remorse for the growing mind. What if I'm preserving this wrong, what if it wasn't meant to deliver stress yet work as a form of guidance. The love for knowledge could be a protector, something that does have remorse yet I believe it’s an attack on the fragile mind. But that leaves me with one question, why is the chase for understanding never-ending. it's a constant want, that leaves us feeling stupid even though we gain knowledge. The want is what is truly the problem. If you want to gain the knowledge you have to know when to start, where to start and when to stop. If you leave yourself without boundaries the relationship between you and knowledge can be unhealthy. That is where the part of wisdom comes in. knowledge alongside the uncanny lust, without wisdom is as valuable as the scraps left to the wasteland jackals. That is why we need to give meaning to knowledge and the only way to do that is to gain not just knowledge but also wisdom. Wisdom turns a shameful lust into a careful love. The point of understanding is to give life meaning, instead of living a life without meaning we give it meaning through the gain of understanding.