You and my little heart

It hurt
That you don't see yourself
No, not because I care
No need to worry
I see myself higher than you
But when you act like this
I feel like thinking about you
About you and us
But not with love
With competition
To be a better me

It's easy to win when only one side is playing

I want to praise myself only with your existence
I want every breath of yours to prove it
I want to see how high I can get
How high I can get while holding your hand
I can give up
I can let your hand go every second
I can leave you all alone
But I can't even stand the thought of finishing the game
In every step of mine
Every second that passes
I want to make my heart go colder
Make it colder to keep myself away from getting hurt
But you don't try to hurt me
Why
Why do you hurt yourself
Play the game
We were supposed to be disconnected
Which we are
But if we were disconnected, I wouldn't be affected
For the first time I don't want to win
I want to continue playing so you can too
I don't try to win
Sometimes I wish I did I think about doing, but that can't happen
My heart isn't cold enough yet
For it to get colder Danger must continue
But it isn't getting colder
At least for this topic
And the danger isn't continuous
At least at this position I think the level of danger you are in has suppressed mine
If you were not so far away from me
Would I still want to be close?
We are different, in every way possible
And I want to help you
Help you
You that I hate
You that I feel pity for
You that I cannot even see
Is it because of my self-hatred that far makes me feel more
Feel more sadness for far
Is it because no one has ever treated me as close as I treat you
If I feel pity for someone who isn't far
Would I have to feel pity for myself too
Would I need to admit I am damaged
Or maybe it is because only I will feel pity for me
And others won't even find me worth feeling sorry for
My heart is still cold
I like that it is cold
But it still isn't cold enough
I don't know if it should be cold enough
I don't want to know
But I know there are warm parts of my heart
And I want you to know them too
I want everyone to know them
I am okay with them
I don't know how I kept those parts warm
Weren't they connected with the cold parts
Every cold person I know
Those who are cold in heart
They have the parts that should be connected
And those parts are in a harmony
Cold ones are cold warm ones are warm
Maybe I made a mistake while making mine colder
Or while keeping it warm
But I am too cold and too warm to even understand that
Maybe this was what I found similar in you
But don't misunderstand
You weren't cold and warm like me
But your hatred, your anger
And how you show them
They are also different from me
As different as possible
But they felt similar Similar like my differences to others
I was wrong You weren't different to others
You and your similars were just too different from me
I couldn't even understand that
We were two unique ones
Different from others
And from each other
I was wrong I just couldn't see
You always existed, you and your similars
It was me who didn't exist
I am far
This sounded melancholic
But not for me I find it precious
Makes me feel special, different and worthy
Maybe I won the game
I won the game while not only you but everyone was playing
I saw and tried what no one could
Or missed something everyone understood
This dilemma hasn't come to an end yet
At least for me
And I am not sure if it ever will
At least for me