The Handicap

Clarence Michael James Stanislaus Dennis 1876 (Auburn) – 1938 (Melbourne)



I think I should suit, for I've knowledge minute
Of all tickets, time-tables, and trains;
All speedings and slowings and comings and goings
Are deeply impressed on my brains.
I know just how long the express to Geelong
Stops outside certain stations; and where
All the footwarmers go when the winter winds blow.
So I think I am qualified there.

I can find you a porter, or see that your daughter
Leaves safely for Sydney.  My list
Of refreshment-room fare is exclusive and rare
I can tell you what trains you have missed.
I can find little Willie, or mind little Millie
While Mother, with no time to spare,
Goes to buy her a bun.  I can tell you what won
All the races.  I'm competent there.

I have knowledge unique of what days in the week
Trains stop at your station - or not.
I can tell ('Sat. excepted') what trains are connected
With which.  I am au fait with the lot.
On 'Mon. only' or 'Tues.' I have accurate views.
I can tell you on 'Suns.' when and where
You can gather mushrooms or the gold wattle blooms;
So I feel I am competent there.

And, with all this assortment of facts, my deportment,
Impressive, yet friendly, is right.
At my resonant voice all the ladies rejoice;
And fools flock to me, dribbling delight.
My garments I wear with an air debonair;
But one handicap stands in my way:
Tho' in all else I'm 'It,' those who know me admit
That I look simply awful in grey.

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Submitted on May 13, 2011

Modified on March 05, 2023

1:19 min read
125

Quick analysis:

Scheme XAXABCXC XDCDXCXC BEXEXCXC XFXFCGXG
Closest metre Iambic pentameter
Characters 1,363
Words 264
Stanzas 4
Stanza Lengths 8, 8, 8, 8

Clarence Michael James Stanislaus Dennis

Clarence Michael James Stanislaus Dennis, better known as C. J. Dennis, was an Australian poet known for his humorous poems, especially "The Songs of a Sentimental Bloke", published in the early 20th century. Though Dennis's work is less well known today, his 1915 publication of The Sentimental Bloke sold 65,000 copies in its first year, and by 1917 he was the most prosperous poet in Australian history. Together with Banjo Paterson and Henry Lawson, both of whom he had collaborated with, he is often considered among Australia's three most famous poets. While attributed to Lawson by 1911, Dennis later claimed he himself was the 'laureate of the larrikin'. When he died at the age of 61, the Prime Minister of Australia Joseph Lyons suggested he was destined to be remembered as the 'Australian Robert Burns'. more…

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