Don Juan: Canto the First

I
    I want a hero: an uncommon want,
       When every year and month sends forth a new one,
   Till, after cloying the gazettes with cant,
       The age discovers he is not the true one;
   Of such as these I should not care to vaunt,
       I'll therefore take our ancient friend Don Juan,
   We all have seen him, in the pantomime,
   Sent to the Devil somewhat ere his time.II
   Vernon, the butcher Cumberland, Wolfe, Hawke,
      Prince Ferdinand, Granby, Burgoyne, Keppel, Howe,
  Evil and good, have had their tithe of talk,
      And filled their sign-posts then, like Wellesley now;
  Each in their turn like Banquo's monarchs stalk,
      Followers of fame, "nine farrow" of that sow:
  France, too, had Buonaparté and Dumourier
  Recorded in the Moniteur and Courier.III

  Barnave, Brissot, Condorcet, Mirabeau,
      Pétion, Clootz, Danton, Marat, La Fayette
  Were French, and famous people, as we know;
      And there were others, scarce forgotten yet,
  Joubert, Hoche, Marceau, Lannes, Desaix, Moreau,
      With many of the military set,
  Exceedingly remarkable at times,
  But not at all adapted to my rhymes.IV

  Nelson was once Britannia's god of War,
      And still should be so, but the tide is turn'd;
  There's no more to be said of Trafalgar,
      'Tis with our hero quietly inurn'd;
  Because the army's grown more popular,
      At which the naval people are concern'd;
  Besides, the Prince is all for the land-service,
  Forgetting Duncan, Nelson, Howe, and Jervis.V

  Brave men were living before Agamemnon
      And since, exceeding valorous and sage,
  A good deal like him too, though quite the same none;
      But then they shone not on the poet's page,
  And so have been forgotten: I condemn none,
      But can't find any in the present age
  Fit for my poem (that is, for my new one);
  So, as I said, I'll take my friend Don Juan.VI

  Most epic poets plunge "in medias res"
      (Horace makes this the heroic turnpike road),
  And then your hero tells, whene'er you please,
      What went before--by way of episode,
  While seated after dinner at his ease,
      Beside his mistress in some soft abode,
  Palace, or garden, paradise, or cavern,
  Which serves the happy couple for a tavern.VII

  That is the usual method, but not mine--
      My way is to begin with the beginning;
  The regularity of my design
      Forbids all wandering as the worst of sinning,
  And therefore I shall open with a line
      (Although it cost me half an hour in spinning),
  Narrating somewhat of Don Juan's father,
  And also of his mother, if you'd rather....CC

  My poem's epic, and is meant to be
      Divided in twelve books; each book containing,
   With love, and war, a heavy gale at sea,
      A list of ships, and captains, and kings reigning,
  New characters; the episodes are three:
      A panoramic view of Hell's in training,
  After the style of Virgil and of Homer,
  So that my name of Epic's no misnomer.CCI

  All these things will be specified in time,
      With strict regard to Aristotle's rules,
  The  Vade Mecum of the true sublime,
      Which makes so many poets, and some fools:
  Prose poets like blank-verse, I'm fond of rhyme,
      Good workmen never quarrel with their tools;
  I've got new mythological machinery,
  And very handsome supernatural scenery.CCII

 There's only one slight difference between
     Me and my epic brethren gone before,
 And here the advantage is my own, I ween,
     (Not that I have not several merits more,
 But this will more peculiarly be seen);
     They so embellish, that 'tis quite a bore
 Their labyrinth of fables to thread through,
 Whereas this story's actually true.CCIII

 If any person doubt it, I appeal
     To history, tradition, and to facts,
 To newspapers, whose truth all know and feel,
     To plays in five, and operas in three acts;
 All these confirm my statement a good deal,
     But that which more completely faith exacts
 Is, that myself, and several now in Seville,
  Saw Juan's last elopement with the Devil.CCIV

 If ever I should condescend to prose,
     I'll write poetical commandments, which
 Shall supersede beyond all doubt all those
     That went before; in these I shall enrich
 My text with many things that no one knows,
     And carry precept to the