I'm Sorry

When you're reading this,
You might be thinking of murdering me,
But this has been burdening me for some time,

I just need to get it out,
I just need to scream and shout,
It's been haunting me in my dreams,
And been taunting me with its screams in my head,

So here it goes...

I'm bad for you,
I make you mad,
I make you sad and everything but glad,
When you're on the phone and I say something dumb,
I know you just want to chop off my thumb,

Hopefully, I'm not being impulsive or unrealistic,
If you need examples I can be specific,
When I do something dumb,
I just want to drown myself in the Pacific,

Now you can call or write,
Maybe you are praying to satan that he'll just smite me off the earth,
The earth that I turned into ruins,
Without thinking before I spoke,
I might need to make a mental note,
Or I should say it before I choke,

I won't be calling anymore,
Not because I don't care,
But because I care too much,
And it fogs and blurs my rational thinking,
When I mention something dumb when you're struggling,
I don't know why I do it,
I guess my brain just tells me to blurt out something,

I know that you're going to do great,
I know that you'll meet the perfect mate sometime,
But I know it's not me,
And knowing that, in my brain, I'm cleaving through a pain,
Where it's almost as if I found someone I thought was perfect,
They never got on my nerve,
I knew that if I swerved off the road,
They were the arms that I would want to close my eyes forever in,
I wanted to die in your arms if possible,
But I guess it's just unrealistic,

I've been thinking too hard,
I'm still going to send you cards,
And I'm sending the hat that you gave me,
It's the only thing I can do right now that'll save me,

Just remember that I care,
I love you,
If you needed surgery,
I would be the one to wear the glove,
Because I don't trust anyone else with your lovely life but someone who does love you and who knows you,

You need to find someone who can meet your needs,
You need someone who can see you inside and out,
I say maybe try that when you're out,


I love you Em, and I'm sorry. For all the things that I've done to hurt you,
I can't keep in contact with you because of the wave of guilt and shame I get,
I just need to stay in my lane sometimes,
And not meddle in yours,

I need to get better at listening,
I can't imagine all the things I'll be missing,
When I don't call,
When I don't get the chance to talk,

Hopefully, this is for the greater good,
If I could tell the future I'd make sure,
But I guess, we'll just have to wait and see,

If it was world war three,
I would want you there with me,
In a random abandoned house,
Make sure the doors are locked to keep the zombies out,

Oh, the future I'll be missing,
The times that will be missing pieces of my life,
The life I wish you could have with me,
But again
Now, It's a mutual decision
This is my final goodbye...

I love you, stay safe, do great things in the world, become a child life specialist and achieve your dreams.
I love you and care and soon, I'll just be a tear on a piece of paper. Maybe taped together.