Trial by Jury

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

THE LEARNED JUDGE
THE PLAINTIFF
THE DEFENDANT
COUNSEL FOR THE PLAINTIFF
USHER
FOREMAN OF THE JURY
ASSOCIATE
FIRST BRIDESMAID

SCENE - A Court of Justice, Barristers, Attorney, and Jurymen
    discovered.

                            CHORUS

         Hark, the hour of ten is sounding:
         Hearts with anxious fears are bounding,
         Hall of Justice, crowds surrounding,
              Breathing hope and fear--
         For to-day in this arena,
         Summoned by a stern subpoena,
         Edwin, sued by Angelina,
              Shortly will appear.

Enter Usher

                         SOLO - USHER

         Now, Jurymen, hear my advice--
         All kinds of vulgar prejudice
              I pray you set aside:
         With stern, judicial frame of mind
         From bias free of every kind,
              This trial must be tried.

                            CHORUS

         From bias free of every kind,
         This trial must be tried.

[During Chorus, Usher sings fortissimo, "Silence in Court!"]

USHER     Oh, listen to the plaintiff's case:
         Observe the features of her face--
              The broken-hearted bride.
         Condole with her distress of mind:
         From bias free of every kind,
              This trial must be tried!

CHORUS         From bias free, etc.

USHER     And when, amid the plaintiff's shrieks,
         The ruffianly defendant speaks--
              Upon the other side;
         What he may say you needn't mind---
         From bias free of every kind,
              This trial must be tried!

CHORUS         From bias free, etc.

Enter Defendant

                      RECIT -- DEFENDANT

              Is this the court of the Exchequer?
ALL.           It is!
DEFENDANT (aside)   Be firm, be firm, my pecker,
              Your evil star's in the ascendant!
ALL.           Who are you?
DEFENDANT.     I'm the Defendant.

           CHORUS OF JURYMEN (shaking their fists)

              Monster, dread our damages.
                   We're the jury!
                   Dread our fury!

DEFENDANT      Hear me, hear me, if you please,
                   These are very strange proceedings--
              For permit me to remark
                   On the merits of my pleadings,
              You're at present in the dark.

[Defendant beckons to Jurymen--they leave the box and gather around
    him as they sing the following:

              That's a very true remark--
                   On the merits of his pleadings
              We're at present in the dark!
              Ha! ha!--ha! ha!

                      SONG -- DEFENDANT

         When first my old, old love I knew,
              My bosom welled with joy;
         My riches at her feet I threw--
              I was a love-sick boy!
         No terms seemed too extravagant
              Upon her to employ--
         I used to mope, and sigh, and pant,
              Just like a love-sick boy!
                   Tink-a-tank! Tink-a-tank!

         But joy incessant palls the sense;
              And love, unchanged, will cloy,
         And she became a bore intense
              Unto her love-sick boy!
         With fitful glimmer burnt my flame,
              And I grew cold and coy,
         At last, one morning, I became
              Another's love-sick boy.
                   Tink-a-tank!  Tink-a-tank!

           CHORUS OF JURYMEN (advancing stealthily)

         Oh, I was like that when a lad!
              A shocking young scamp of a rover,
         I behaved like a regular cad;
              But that sort of thing is all over.
         I'm now a respectable chap
              And shine with a virtue resplendent
         And, therefore, I haven't a scrap
              Of sympathy with the defendant!
                   He shall treat us with awe,
                   If there isn't a flaw,
         Singing so merrily--Trial-la-law!
         Trial-la-law!  Trial-la-law!
         Singing so merrily--Trial-la-law!

                                       [They enter the Jury-box.]

                   RECIT--USHER (on Bench)

         Silence in Court, and all attention lend.
         Behold your Judge!  In due submission bend!

Enter Judge on Bench

                            CHORUS